How to start seeing yourself through your own eyes
Adapting an inside-out perspective, rather than outside and in
At this point, you know me to some extent (if you’re not completely new here — if so, welcome!). The rest of you know that I’ve been struggling tons with my self image, fear of being seen and judged… The heavy, holy trio.
I’ve been in therapy for a long time and I’ve brought this up with different therapists and sometimes it feels as if I do understand what they’re saying, I do understand that they are right but I just can’t break the habit of looking at my self with an outside perspective.
What’s an outside perspective? I asked my therapist when she told me that’s what I’m doing.
What does that mean?
She explained to me that I’m looking at myself with the eyes of other people. When I look myself in the mirror, I see myself from an outside perspective. Is this a hairstyle many others would do? What about the outfit, is it nice enough?
That’s quite sad. What’s even sadder is the fact that the thoughts that I imagine other people will have of me, is just my own words and thoughts. I’m literally my own bully. I’ve been the enemy all along!
Rather than doing a hairstyle I think is pretty, and dressing myself in a way I think is pretty I tend to present myself in a way I would think is pretty, cool and nice to other people. I’ve done this for a long time and to the extent that I no longer know what I prefer. Who am I? What do I like?
I remember when I cut bangs for the first time four years ago. I felt so free. Rather than having perfect long layers that I could put into rollers to get that perfect bouncy blowout, I had my little bang that always looked crazy and a bit ugly as soon as it was raining out. But it didn’t matter because it’s so me. I recently cut bangs again and it felt so affirming. Like fuck yes — that’s so me!!!! It felt even more affirming when a friend of mine said: that’s literally the hairstyle you were always supposed to have. I was lowkey touched by her comment.
And I get all of you reading this wondering how this could possibly be such a big deal. The closest way I could describe it is finally escaping a mental prison you’ve been stuck in for years and yearssss.
So, who am I then?
A while ago I realized something. The reason why I always feel a bit off in how I dress myself is because I’ve had this outside perspective when presenting myself in clothing, for instance. I dress in a way I think others would think is cool or nice, but not necessarily in a way that I feel looks good on me. This results in me wearing the same five pieces on rotation while the rest just hangs there.
I hate this for several reasons:
I hate the feeling of clothes wearing me, rather than me wearing the clothes,
I feel shameful of having bought clothes that won’t come to use.
When I realized I need to come back to myself and switch into an inside - out perspective, I also came to a realization that majority of my closet was bought with an outside-in perspective. I want to start over. But how do I do that? What’s my style? What clothes and colors actually look good on me, and what do I feel most myself in?
Let’s make a list!
What I like
Mid rise jeans
Boat neck
Wide or straight pants
Tailored shirts but oversized t-shirts
Earthy colors
I’m uncomfortable in
High rise jeans
Low rise jeans
Deep necklines
Ribbed anything
Purple
I post my own list as an inspiration for you on how to figure yourself out. I mean, this could go for anything that you want to figure out about yourself wether is sense of style, food preference, emotional boundaries and so on. It’s a way to simplify it and think inside-out.
I came to the conclusion: I’m not someone who enjoys wearing statement pieces. I’m a basic kind of person who prefers spicing it up with accessories, nicely styled hair and makeup.
It did help a lot with understanding myself and my own style. Might sound a bit silly but it made me feel closer to myself.
Seeing myself inside-out instead of the opposite is not the easiest thing to just start doing since it’s rooted somewhere, right? It’s rooted in fear, something our brains are literally conditioned to avoid at any cost. So for me — I dressed in a way where I was sure I wouldn’t get made fun of, that’s the fear my brain wants to avoid.
I’ve reasoned in a similar way in many of my posts: fear won’t go away until you win it over. How to win it over? conquer it. How to conquer it? Be scared, and do it anyway! It feels a bit strange to say I’m scared of being myself, but I guess that, unfortunately, I’m at that point. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit, especially since the fear I have is about dressing like any other person in the world, lol. But it’s not really about what I wear or look like, okay!!! It’s about being scared of being judged regardless, and that’s not always logical at all.
How to start seeing yourself inside-out
Considering I’m at the start of this journey, I might not be the right person to give advice just yet. But! I came to two conclusions on how to shift to an inside-out perspective that I want to share with you:
Realizing that you’re using an outside-in perspective,
Kindly calling yourself out when you’ve realized it.
For me point number two usually goes something like ‘‘Oh, everyone on the bus is probably wondering why I’m dressed in this jacket’’ and quietly observing that thought, then go on to question it. ‘‘No, those are my thoughts. I do like this jacket, don’t I?’’.
It has helped a lot to remind myself that the thoughts I project onto others are actually my own.
If you related at all to this post I want to tell you, and myself, that we’re enough the way we are. People aren’t as mean as we portray them to be. Most of the time, they don’t think about us at all (thankfully), remember that!
If you liked this post and want to continue reading, I have a similar one called No one cares about you that I think you might enjoy.
I wish you the most wonderful week ahead!